Tension is a good thing, and it’s not the same as stress – here’s where we make our mistakes…
I had an epiphany today!
One that will help you radically shift how you respond to situations to get the best possible outcome while experiencing steady states of happiness and mental clarity.
Before I tell you all about my AHA! I’m gonna share with you the AHA moment that sparked it.
Here’s what happened:
My partner attended an event. Women sat in a circle sharing their perspective about intuition.
One woman shared her perspective. What she shared formed the very basis of her spiritual belief system and understanding.
My partner saw it differently.
She on the other hand strongly believed that this commonly accepted spiritual belief is one of the core things that created confusion and led people awry.
As you can see. Two people felt strongly about something – AND had opposing beliefs.
She spoke.
There was silence.
Can you feel it? That heavy charged air hanging in the room.
A tense silence.
One of the facilitators quickly jumped in and said both perspectives are equally valid, and that it all depends on personal experience.
The tension was broken.
Whew!
People returned back into their normal circle sharing.
And a golden opportunity was lost.
So, today, I am taking the opportunity to talk to you about… tension.
This is Part 1 of a series. In it we will explore:
- Our common misconception about tension;
- The 3 common mistakes we make in handling tension (they are not what you think. Trust me ;)).
In Part 2 of this series, we will talk about:
- A better way of defining tension;
- The 3 counter-instinctive ways we can use tension to get more out of ourselves, our relationships and the world around us.
Every way of googling tension gave me results about stress.
When I looked up “tension quotes”, I got stress quotes like “If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension.” – George Burns. (no, he is not the Simpsons guy)
When I searched: “what to tell someone who is experiencing tension”, I got: “8 Things To Say To Someone When They’re Stressed”.
And when I looked up: “What is tension?”I got dictionary definitions as well as explanations of tension in physics.
This is really bad news!
Why?
Because I believe tension is one of the most misunderstood concepts in the world of personal development, mental & emotional health, and spirituality.
We villainize tension and seek to get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Here’s what we are not seeing though!
1- Our aversion to tension is keeping us stuck and small.
2- Actively encouraging tension and increasing ability to hold it will allow you to:
- Have more peace;
- Expand your influence;
- Listen and communicate better;
- Have more confidence & respect;
- Be a better parent, friend & partner;
- Have a healthier and stronger body;
- Make more money;
I’m gonna tell you why I think Buzz Lightyear got it right! (in case you haven’t watched Toy Story, he’s the space ranger in white looking into the land of possibilities)
Learning to expand our ability to hold tension is LITERALLY ONE OF THE BEST THINGS WE CAN DO IN OUR LIVES individually and collectively.
TENSION IS NOT STRESS: NOT ALL TENSION IS HYPERTENSION
If you look up the dictionary definitions for the words tension and stress, we find that they are almost identical with one key difference: stress seems to be correlated with something bad (adverse/damaging), while tension is neutral.
Tension and stress both are:
- A strain (no please)
- That feels uncomfortable (that definitely doesn’t sound like a good thing!)
- That happens when we are stretched tight
- As a result of two or more opposing forces pulling in different directions (oh boy!)
Let’s take it a step further.
Stress is a type of tension, which, in the world of neuropsychology and mindfulness (check out my blog: Understanding Stress & Reactivity), means:
“Stress is NOT an outer challenge; it is an inner response. We experience stress as a response to challenges when we believe that we do not have the resources and capabilities to succeed.”
Tension becomes stress when we believe we cannot handle it!
And guess what? If we’ve been busy getting rid of tension, our ability to handle it is reduced.
Which means we are much MUCH more likely to get stressed faster, and stay stressed for longer.
And THAT…. IS NOT A GOOD THING!
3 COMMON MISTAKES WE MAKE WHEN DEALING WITH TENSION
Tension, like stress, feels uncomfortable, so we want to end it.
It feels unresolved, so we want to quickly resolve it.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE BELIEVE IT IS USELESS, SO WE SEEK TO SHAKE IT OFF!
And here are our most common stealthy strategies for dealing with tension:
1. Divert
Remember that time you were at a company social, or your friends invited you to meet more peeps at their Xmas gathering? And someone blurted out something awkward or inappropriate?
Yup…. that silence. And then a blessed soul changed the topic. And for the next few minutes, the 20 centimeters of snow we just got became a riveting conversation.
We divert our attention from tension when we turn our backs to it completely. It is as if we mentally stepped over it and moved on, pretending it does not exist.
And there is nothing wrong with doing that sometimes, when what is at stake is not that important to us, and when we don’t really have the bandwidth or desire to engage.
But diverting tension habitually means that:
- We don’t actually clear the air between us and others.
- We don’t create experiences where we overcome any challenge together, so we don’t build trust.
We stay in the shallow waters so to speak in our connections. So we miss out on the opportunity of building intimacy and connection, and eventually we hit the one diversion too many and people fade out or drop off inexplicably from our lives.
2. Dilute
We dilute tension when we diminish the difference that is driving our experience of tension (difference of opinion, difference of where we are and where we want to be, difference of needs or desires etc.).
We do that in an effort to experience ease (social ease, physical ease, emotional ease etc.).
The intention most often is really noble. Especially in our social interactions, we dilute tension because we want to return to connection and harmony.
The story I shared at the beginning of this blog is a prime example of diluting tension. Notice how the facilitator reduced the tension and allowed it to fizzle by brushing aside the fundamental difference in opinion and attributing it to “personal differences” that are “equally right”.
This one’s a real tough one, because we believe so deeply that this is the right way to handle social interactions, that this is creating connection and this is diplomacy.
Imagine for a moment if we took that approach in the domain of science. Imagine we said: “don’t worry about it. You are both equally right.” How will that advance us and help us make breakthroughs?
How will that approach improve our quality of life and deepen our knowledge?
We may say, but in science, unlike society, there is an objective truth. And we will be correct, to a point.
What we are missing in this way of thinking though is that, in society just as in science, we can’t afford to say: “every one’s opinion is equally valid. End of story.” We need a way of communicating that helps us navigate through our differences and make decisions.
What’s the alternative? Approach our social conversations as scientists engaging in discourse.
Returning to our story, the facilitator could have instead allowed the tension to be present and worked with it. That can look like asking a probing question of participants to help them reflect on the presented difference. Done with tact and respect, this would enrich the discourse and deepen connection and trust between all.
3. Destroy
This one is tricky.
One of the ways we use so often to break the tension is by escalating.
How is escalating tension our way of breaking it?
Stay with me here for a moment. You’re in a really heated argument with your partner. They‘re at you about working long hours and not paying attention to them.
They are going on and on and the tension is building and building inside of you, and then you feel yourself hitting that point where you “snap”. You give them a piece of your mind in return, “they can’t stop nagging and complaining; that’s why! You’d rather work 18 hours than spend 5 minutes listening to their yammering and complaints!”
What just happened?
Your partner? Whether they realized it or not, they felt tension build to a point where they “could not handle the feeling of it inside their bodies” so, in an unconscious effort to release it, they packed it up and threw it at you.
And they experienced a moment of release. Until you responded.
And you? Well, can you guess? Yup, you reached a tipping point where you “couldn’t take any more tension” and so you “offloaded it back onto them.
When you lunged for it, you responded with your tension + their original tension. And they responded with their original tension + yours + their newly formed tension etc. So instead of experiencing release, you both end up experiencing build up and increased tension.
And this is exactly why it is tricky to understand that escalation is actually our attempt at releasing tension. What we are actually seeking is or break the tension by:
- Momentarily unloading it from us onto the other person;
- Getting the other person to change their way so that we no longer experience tension.
If we knew that, can we then train ourselves to work with tension?
Can we allow ourselves to be informed and directed by it while staying in the driver’s seat instead of handing over the controls to our reactive mind in an effort to avoid the uncomfortable feelings?
Consider how you respond to tension in your life, and I’ll see you in Part 2 of the series where I’ll share how to look at it differently and 3 counter-instinctive ways we can use tension to get more out of the world around us!
Other content that might interest you:
- Understanding Stress & Reactivity
- Redefining Tension: The 3 Counter-Instinctive Ways We Can Use Tension To Improve Our Lives
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Photo Credit: Woman swinging – Photo by Mason Panos on Unsplash
Blog collaboration: Mike Popovici & Lulwa Saffarini, Blog written by: Lulwa Saffarini
