This is Part 2 out of 2 in the Blog Series about Tension. In Part 1 of this series: Tension is Not Stress – The 3 Common Mistakes We Make When Dealing with Tension, I talked about how we commonly believe that tension is another word for stress, and that is not true!
It is not just that tension and stress are not the same thing, but our inability to hold tension is one of the biggest contributors to stress in our lives. I also talked about the 3 common mistakes we make in handling tension.
Today’s blog is all about:
- Finding a better way of defining tension;
- The 3 counter-instinctive ways we can use tension to get more out of ourselves, our relationships and the world around us.
- Bonus guided meditation for getting clarity in moments of tension
A BETTER DEFINITION: TENSION IS POTENTIAL ENERGY WAITING TO BE DIRECTED
Tension is not stress. Remember my last blog? Tension is a good thing!
You know that “build up” feeling that you experience when you are in the middle of a disagreement with your friend?
Or that feeling of strain/pain you feel when you’ve been holding a plank for the last 2 minutes?
Or that bubbling pressure in your chest when you ask for a raise and your boss stays silent and lifts her brow?
That is energy!
Yes energy!! That thing you ask for in your prayers: “God give me boundless energy”, and declare in your affirmations: “I am energized and ready to face the day”…
That’s what you are experiencing – an influx of energy.
Only, it is potential energy: locked in this tension and you are not able to access it.
It is waiting for you to learn how to access it and direct it to your benefit.
And this blog is all about sharing with you ways you can use the energy locked in tension in a way that helps you grow and expand your life!
3 COUNTER-INSTINCTIVE WAYS WE CAN USE TENSION TO IMPROVE OUR LIVES
- Detach
Wanna do something fun? I do!
Let’s roll play together!
Scenario 1
You are at Tim Hortons (For those of you not from Canada – picture any coffee shop). The place is crowded, and the service and staff are incredibly slow. Your day’s been progressively moving sideways; it is 4 pm; you haven’t eaten anything yet, and you are hungry!
You stand in line for 15 minutes until it is your turn. You order a chipotle cheddar chicken wrap and pay for it.
You wait and wait. After another 10 minutes, a staff person calls you up and lets you know that they are out of chicken. She asks what else you would like. You ask for 2 more things and she lets you know that they are out of those too.
So you ask for a refund, and she says you would have to call their headquarters and sort it out because she is not authorized to refund you. You ask how long that will take. She shrugs, looks at you with flat eyes and says: “I dunno. Maybe an hour?”
Do you feel annoyed? frustrated? Maybe even a little angry?
Do you feel like giving this staffer a piece of your mind? Or perhaps you feel like storming out of the store, or writing a scathing review?
Scenario 2
Now, let’s change the situation a little. In your mind’s eye, see the exact same conditions and situation happen again… with one difference. The exchange did not happen between you and the Tim Hortons employee; you witnessed it happen to someone else.
How do you feel now? Probably still annoyed, frustrated or angry. And yet not to the same degree.
What’s different? Well obviously…. It is not happening… to you.
That one step separation helped reduce the intensity of your constricted emotions.
Scenario 3
Now, what if:
- The situation was not happening to you… AND
- You just left a meeting with your boss, where you got promoted!
How does that situation feel now? Are you noticing how much lighter you feel?
Scenario 4
And finally, what if in addition to the two points above, you just learned that this branch’s store manager is very tough on his employees and that it is the girl’s first day.
I am sure you are feeling the increased expansiveness, and reduced stickiness of negative emotions as we go from one scenario to the next.
If you are wondering what all these scenarios have to do with detaching…
Let’s break it down together. In this context, to detach is to create space:
- Between us and the situation: we had more space between us and the situation, when the situation was not happening to us.
- Between our emotions and the situation: when we’re stuck in negative emotions, we get sucked and attached to our judgements. So, our perspective narrows.
Having an emotionally expansive day automatically creates more space for us to see what is happening without getting emotionally entangled. - Between our story (perspective) and the situation: when we were looking at this situation from the lens of how we believe a store should treat its customers, there was truth in that. Only it was partial.
When we stepped out and saw the rest of the story, it completed the picture, and now our perspective has shifted our emotion and our impulse to react/respond.
Detachment does not mean denying what we perceive or feel.
In all of the scenarios, you (or any of us) would have:
- Had a bad store experience.
- Knew that the customer service was lacking.
- If you only had this experience to go on, you would probably not speak highly of this branch or recommend it to anyone.
Detachment means distancing ourselves from the situation sufficiently enough that we are no longer constrained by our limited emotions and perspective.
Detachment is the act of making more available to us! More information, more emotional and mental capacity, and more options for handling the situation.
Wanna practice? The guided meditation at the bottom of this blog will take you through it step by step!
- Dissolve
I described tension in Part 1 as the strain we uncomfortably experience as a result of two or more forces pulling in opposite directions.
- You want to hire more people and your boss wants to cut costs. You are in tension.
- You want to save and your spouse wants to spend. You are in tension.
That’s not all. There is another crucial layer. You want to have a good relationship with your boss/spouse AND you want to voice an opinion that you perceive may threaten that relationship.
So, you are in internal dissent.
You are feeling yourself being pulled in two different directions. Without realigning internally, you will eventually cave in and react.
Let’s take another example, you are lifting a really heavy weight. One part of you wants to complete that rep, and another part of you wants to drop the weight. If you are to ask any athlete, they will tell you, if they stay in that internal conflict long enough, they’ll cave.
In order to be able to hold tension, you need to dissolve internal dissent.
You cannot align yourself without releasing internal resistance.
You need to first ACCEPT and RELEASE the internal tension by:
- Observing & accepting uncomfortable physical sensations associated with tension. One really powerful practice for building your ability to release internal dissent is vipassana – the practice of observing and accepting uncomfortable feelings.
- Entering into a curious investigation to resolve your ideological conflict that is keeping you in tension. i.e. I believe that it is virtuous to speak my mind and be honest. I also believe that it is virtuous to ensure my words do not hurt other people. In this situation, if I am to be honest, it will hurt someone, so I’m in conflict with myself. (email me if you’d like content on this topic).
When you do, the energy you were using up in internal conflict is now available for you to use externally.
AND, since you no longer have pent-up energy, your ease will be SO APPARENT. And it will help others receive you without threat. Which means?
You can say almost anything you want without getting stuck in your or the other person’s reactivity.
- Direct
Tension is energy waiting to be directed!
Say you just came back from a really hectic day at work, and what you want more than anything is to turn on that TV and sip on an icy cold Green Label scotch.
But you’ve committed to a detox month and the TV and scotch are not part of that plan.
If you’ve practiced step 1 & 2, you are now ready to direct the energy in another way. You recognize that your cravings are telling you: “we wanna help you by making you feel good.”
Thank them, and visualize yourself doing something else that is good for you AND will leave you feeling good. Maybe it is the feeling of release you’ll get after a nice, short workout. Take the time to sink into that visual.
And then choose to do 5 squats – and do them ONLY to the edge of where you feel the tension without sinking into internal dissent. Stop, and reassess. Do you feel the release yet? If not, do another 5 or 10.
We often make the mistake of pushing too hard too fast, and when we do, we train ourselves to hate the tension.
Nothing however is more important than training ourselves consistently to:
- Redirect our attention,
- ENJOY BEING IN TENSION.
I know I promised you 3 effective ways of handling tension, AND yet, I noticed while I was writing this blog that as great as this blog can be helping you handle tension, it is missing one really big thing – how do I handle tension when it comes to people?
When tension exists, how do I engage effectively with other people?
The same rules of detach, dissolve and direct apply, and yet, there is so much more to it!
So, I promise, the next blog will be all about helping you have crucial conversations – the kind where you do not have to make the choice between silence and violence, or the choice between holding back/harming the relationship.
In fact, this method is designed to help you have the most critical and sensitive conversations with complete candor while being in connection!
Until next time,
Much love,
P.s. As a bonus, I’m sharing with you a guided meditation to help you integrate and embody the practice of detaching, and instead cultivate a state of dispassionate compassion when approaching people and situations.
To build your skill with this technique, practice it regularly, and in situations that do not feel emotionally charged. You will find that as it becomes second nature, you are able to employ it in stickier situations.
Other content that might interest you:
Attend my 1 hr FREE guided group meditations – Sign up now.
Blog collaboration: Mike Popovici & Lulwa Saffarini, Blog written by: Lulwa Saffarini
