When we are about to have critical and sensitive conversations with people who really matter to us, and on things that really matter to us, how can we lean into discourse?
How can we talk with complete candour while being in connection?
Our advancements in the world are built upon our ability to discourse!
In discourse, we continuously expand and improve our understanding.
We do that by entering into dialogue. We engage in collaborations and disagreements alike with a curious and methodical spirit.
Let me illustrate it with a story.
When you think of the theory of general relativity or E = mc², what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Einstein no?
True. And yet, Einstein could not have made this revolutionary breakthrough without the work of a mathematician – Hermann Minkowski.
Minkowski was Einstein’s professor. And Einstein skipped his math classes. See, Einstein did not have a lot of respect for math. He considered it inferior to physics.
And when Minkowski presented his theory that space and time are one continuum (see below), physicists laughed it off. And Einstein was one of its loudest critics: “since the mathematics (Minkowski’s math) pounced on the relativity theory, I no longer understand it myself!”
So what did Minkowski do? He realized he needed to win the physics community over, so he decided to speak their language!! He constructed the visual icon of relativity theory above and presented it in his now famous paper Raum und Zeit.
And in it, this is how he addressed the physics community: “Gentlemen! The views of space and time which I wish to lay before you have sprung from the soil of experimental physics, and therein lies their strength…”
Einstein eventually adopts Minkowski’s math. In fact, Minkowski’s spacetime math is so integral to Einstein’s relativity theory that we’ve erroneously attributed it to him.
He admits that he was mistaken in his view on math: “I have been infused with great respect for mathematics, which I had up until now in my naivety looked upon as a pure luxury…” And he acknowledges the debt he owes to Minkowski’s spacetime formalism.
There was a lot of tension between Einstein & Minkowski, and between the math and physics communities. Instead of diverting, diluting or destroying it, Minkowski chose to embrace it and enter into dialogue.
He put his ego aside. He held his position AND he focused on presenting his math in a way that physicists can relate to.
And Einstein, he also put his ego aside, used the Math he spent years (and 2 papers) vehemently arguing against, and publicly admitted his error.
And they all did that for the sake of something bigger than their individual opinions and feelings. They did that for the sake of advancing science, and our understanding of the world.
Guess what? Our advancement in every area of our lives that involves people (and I’d be hard pressed to name a few that don’t) literally depends on our ability to be in discourse.
And we need to bring that kind of attitude into our personal, professional and political conversations today.
We need to connect with what is more important than our individual feelings and opinions!
When we are about to have critical and sensitive conversations with people who really matter to us, and on things that really matter to us, how can we lean into discourse?
How can we talk with complete candour while being in connection?
I LOVE scenarios! They have a way of really breaking things down. So let’s take a scenario…
Last year, your partner got promoted into a higher position, with more responsibilities and more pay.
She’s been working very long hours. When you do get to spend time together, she is either exhausted and absent-minded, or singularly talking about work.
You have brought this to her attention many times and she has promised that things will change. And yet they haven’t.
And now, the moment you broach the topic, you can feel her getting defensive. You end up bickering for hours, and sometimes for days.
In the past week, you’ve finally decided you will no longer bring up this topic with her, and yet you feel resentful. You can’t seem to think about your relationship without feeling angry and demoralized.
So, how can you approach this situation without:
- Silence: holding back your feelings, thoughts and desires.
- Violence: using your words and your emotions as a tool to get the other person to behave in the way you want them to.
1. Detach – AKA Get Out of Your Own Story!
Ok, we talked about detachment in Redefining Tension: The 3 Counter-Instinctive Ways We Can Use Tension To Improve Our Lives, let’s see how we can apply it here
Use the guided meditation I shared with you last time to get into your heartspace.
The first step of detachment is to create space between us and the situation. To do that, we need to first understand what is happening!
- What is happening? All my partner cares about is her work! She takes me for granted and has no consideration for our relationship!
NO, that is your interpretation of what is happening. What are the facts?
- What are the facts of what is happening?
- In the past 8 months, my partner has been working 80 hours a week on average.
- When we hang out, mostly, she falls asleep, or drifts off while I am talking to her.
Great job, keep on going!
The second step of detachment is to create space between our emotions and the situation. To do that, we need to understand how our emotions are driving us.
- What is the unmet desire(s) that are driving my dissatisfaction?
- I desire to have more presence and play in my relationship with my partner.
GOLD!
The third step of detachment is to create space between our perspective (story) and the situation. To do that, we need to expand our story to include another.
So, let’s switch the lens for a moment and see things from her point of view.
- What could be happening with my partner that is causing her to be unavailable?
- She’s made work her priority and has no time for us.
Fair, that’s how I feel. Yet, I’m still looking at what is happening with her in terms of how it affects me.
- How can I see things in terms of what is happening with her and in her life?
- This is the first time my partner holds the position of a director. She has responsibilities that she has never had to carry before in her life.
- She deeply desires to progress in her career and feels that she needs to grow quickly so she can handle those responsibilities well.
- She is feeling overwhelmed and sometimes incompetent, and that is making her more absent-minded.
2. Dissolve – AKA Get Crystal Clear on What You Want
In their book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when the Stakes Are High, the authors of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” talk about refusing to fall into:
- silence (holding back on communicating your thoughts, feelings and desires), or
- violence (getting aggressive with your words or using your feelings to manipulate or coerce the other person).
They called it: refusing the sucker’s choice.
So, what’s the alternative? The first step starts with you clearly identifying your desire – I desire to have more passion, connection, and play in my relationship with my partner.
3. Direct – AKA enter into dialogue
A. Find or Create a Mutual Purpose
Now that you’ve gotten clear on what you want, one of the most important skills to master is to stay clear from side topics and stray flying arguments and bickering.
You can do that by returning the conversation, as often as needed, to one thing: what is our mutual purpose?
Notice how instead of antagonizing the physics community, or fighting to be heard, Minkowski chose to reframe his theory in a way that physicists can understand.
Going back to our scenario, here’s how this can look like:
You: hey sweetheart, our relationship matters a great deal to me, and I really want us to create more passion, connection and play.
Her: We’ve been through this so many times! Can’t you see that I am drowning at work?!
This is where the argument can go sideways, if you respond to her bid to change the topic ;). Refuse the sucker’s choice!
You: I can see that you feel that you can’t make more time for us and manage your work. Let’s put figuring out the how aside for a moment. We’ll tackle it together. Would you be happier if we had more passion, connection, and play?
Her: of course I would!
You: Then would you be open to us brainstorming together how we can do that in a way that works for us both?
B. Create Safety
When we feel safe in our communication, we can say almost anything to each other and still remain connected.
And yet, we often focus on communicating our thoughts, feelings, and desires, and we forget to tend to safety. How safe is the other person feeling?
Are they feeling that their thoughts, feelings, and desires matter? Or do they feel that they have to “change” what they feel or want or risk our wrath or resentment?
Are they feeling that they can share openly and freely and be understood and supported? Or do they feel that if they speak, they will encounter our blame, anger, our judgment, or disapproval?
Let me be clear:
SAFETY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOLDING BACK OUR OWN TRUTH. IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH EXPANDING THE SPACE TO INCLUDE OURS AND THEIRS
Crucial Conversations outlines 3 techniques to tend to safety in a conversation. Here’s how you can use 2 of them.
You: hey sweetheart, I want us to talk about how we can spend more time with each other.
Her: there we go again (under her breath)
Yup, I can feel the reaction. And YET, can you see that what is happening behind her words is that she is feeling that if she were to entertain a conversation around this topic, she will have to give up on something that is important to her? And THAT is what is creating unsafety.
Technique 1: Create safety by using CONTRAST to fix misunderstandings
When others misinterpret either our purpose or intent (in this case, your partner may think that your intent is to coerce her into spending less time at work), we can step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called contrasting.
Minkowski used this method when he addressed the physics community. He essentially said: “my purpose is not to complicate your work. It is to expand your work”.
You: The last thing I want is for you to feel that you have to give up something that is important to you. What I want is to work together on finding how we can connect as you build your career.
Technique 2: Apologize When Appropriate
See how Einstein made a public apology and admitted that he was wrong about his views on mathematics.
And in our case, this is how you can do that too!
Her: You say that and yet every time we’ve had this talk, you ended up threatening to leave, calling me inconsiderate and selfish, and telling me you hope I’d get fired!
Yeah, that you did, and that is ok. We all say things that we may genuinely feel in a moment, but if we were to really examine what we want and what is going on for us as we did today, we’d realize that we misspoke.
In that situation, you apologize.
You: Yeah I did. That didn’t help much, did it? 🙂 I’m sorry. See, I really do want us to spend more quality time together, and I did not know how to invite you into this conversation. Can we try again?
To summarize,
- DETACH: Get out of your own story and expand your point of view to include that of the other person.
- DISSOLVE: Get crystal clear on what is important to you
- DIRECT: Enter into dialogue by:
- Finding or creating a mutual purpose you can both agree on
- Observing when the conversation starts feeling unsafe (antagonistic, defensive, and evasive conversations are all signs that the conversation is no longer safe)
- Create safe space by:
- Contrasting to fix misunderstandings
- Apologizing where appropriate
- And of course, returning the conversation to your original mutual goal, and committing to return to safe space.
Until next time,
Much love!
Other content that might interest you:
- Tension is Not Stress – The 3 Common Mistakes We Make When Dealing with Tension
Redefining Tension: The 3 Counter-Instinctive Ways We Can Use Tension To Improve Our Lives
Attend my 1 hr FREE guided group meditations – Sign up now.
Blog collaboration: Mike Popovici & Lulwa Saffarini, Blog written by: Lulwa Saffarini
Photo Credits:
- Main photo (2 people talking on rail tracks): Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash
- Earth in spacetime field – copied from this article
